So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There r osticjed everywhere
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And my parents said I crawled through the house
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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