so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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