Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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