my sisters under your porch take her home
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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