i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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