I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
