I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
