Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
