my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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