Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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