you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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