I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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