it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
