everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
