is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You may now shotgun with the bride
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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