she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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