Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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