Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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