when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
