I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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