She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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