I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
