one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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