I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
