mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
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