i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Randomize
