The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
