my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
worst night to have a conscience
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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