I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
