I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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