My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
