3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
