She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
a search helicopter?!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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