I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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