drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
