I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
