Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
