my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
