so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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