Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
