The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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