Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
