I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
