I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
