Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
