I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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