He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
