Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
