I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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