she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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