I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
