I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
