Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
