I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
