i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
