You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
