I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
