Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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